Why It Can Be Helpful To Avoid Answering Children’s Questions

There are many reasons why children ask questions and it is not always because they don’t know the answer. Children can learn that questions are a way of engaging adults, and making sure they sustain interaction. Questions can be a more acceptable way of engaging an adult when a child is anxious; it is easier to show weakness for not being able to figure something about intellectually, rather than expressing an emotional need. Children also ask questions when they lack confidence in their problem-solving skills or have become habituated to adults intervening and solving their problems for them.

In Play Therapy and Filial Therapy, we don’t give direct answers to questions in the first and second instance of a child asking (unless it’s an emergency). We reflect their thoughts, feelings and behaviour to them, to show they are being heard, that they matter and we understand the wider context around the question. This can give them some insight into their inner world experiences. Sometimes they answer their own question, or through elaboration, further explore their issue for themselves. These deflecting moments demonstrate to the child that they have adult attention, that the adult is calm and not immediately responding to rescue them (demonstrating that the adult can contain their feelings and also expressing some confidence in them to develop their independence).

When considering alternative responses to answering questions, as Play Therapists, we tend to focus on three key areas: the thought motivating the question, the feeling behind the question and the behaviour observed alongside the question. We want to avoid factual, direct answers to the question. For example, if a child asks the question, “Where’s Dolly?” what we want to avoid are direct answers like “Behind the sofa” or “I don’t know.” We want to open up conversation by showing an understanding of the child’s inner experience. Here are some examples of alternative responses to “Where’s Dolly?”:

Name The Thought

“You’re wondering where Dolly is!”

“You’ve forgotten where you put Dolly.”

“You think I might know where Dolly is.”

Name The Feeling

“You sound worried about Dolly.”

“Losing things makes you feel cross.”

“You’re sad Dolly’s missing the tea party!”

Name The Behaviour

“You’re looking for Dolly.”

“You Can’t See Dolly anywhere!”

“You’re asking me a question you already know the answer to.”

Got the idea? Maybe give it a try next time your child asks you a question!